The accidental cat lady.

 

Cats.

Not a fan.

That is an incredibly nice way of defining my attitude towards the feline species. If I'm going to be less politically correct (and a whole lot more honest), I would say I hate the little fuckers.

Let's put aside the fact that I'm deathly allergic and look at what cats offer to the world.

Um...still thinking.

Someone (clearly a cat lady in training) said to me she loves cats because cats own her, she doesn't own them.

Sorry, I don't buy it. Does the cat pay rent? Does the cat buy it's own food? Does it have opposable thumbs? If the answer is NO, then sorry what?

Not to mention the horrible things always make a beeline for me to rub against my legs and...UGH...wrap that horrible tail around my legs. I swear, I'm a cat magnet. It's horrifying. I have nightmares of cats crawling across my face at night (chasing the mice).

The only way I'll ever like cats.

I have so many stories of how I became a cat-hater that I won't bore you with them all. However I will relate the story of 'cat', the mangy stray who came a-crawling through our window and stealing food when I was young.

Whilst I was all for closing the windows and an advocate for the purchase of a big broom, my sister decided to feed it and it stuck around. It's a demonstration of my feelings towards the species that 'cat' never received a name other than 'cat'.

I must say, this cat and I learned to tolerate each other. It had clearly been abused and didn't like humans, and therefore didn't do the horrible wind-under-the-table-and-curl-tail-around-legs trick so familiar to many a cat. We mildly disliked each other from a distance and that was OK by me.

Until...

Many years and many a house-move later, my sister and I moved to a house in Cairns. Within 15 minutes, the cat had promptly disappeared next door and never returned. Seriously. It would sit on the dividing fence and just give us that disdainful 'fuck you' stare that it had perfected. Horrible little fucker. When my sister went to move out, we chased that effing cat around the cul-de-sac for ages before finally giving up and letting it stay with the neighbours. I'm sure it's not there anymore, it probably deserted them too.

Thus confirming my theory.

Ungrateful bastard.

So I think it's pretty clear that I'm a serious cat disliker.

So it's been somewhat to my dismay (well not somewhat at all, it's total dismay) that I have somehow become an accidental cat lady.

I noticed about a week after moving into my place at Toowoomba last year that I had an extraordinary number of cats hanging about. There's at least three separate furry rats that I'm aware of, all of whom look pretty well fed and domestic so I'm assuming they belong somewhere. To someone other than me.

So go home!!!

There's even a Siamese who has decided to take up residence on my front porch.

They saunter past me as I'm sitting in my outdoor area, nose and tails in the air giving me that look of 'wtf are YOU doing here'.

How rude.

Anyhoo, yesterday was a particularly hot day and I came home and realised out the back of my house now smells like a men's urinal.

Nice.

So is there a cat repellant on the market? I don't want to kill them I just want them to eff off back to where they came from and then eff off some more.

I did think about setting one loose in my house to clear up the mouse problem, but seriously, ever since I put the traps down the mice seem to have packed up and left. And frankly, I'd rather the mouse than the big furry rat.

My friend has a Sphinx (a hairless cat). It's called Noodle, cause it's..well...nude. I'm thinking maybe I should acquire one of these to chase off the others but frankly, it kinda weirds me out. I'm fascinated and repelled in equal amounts.

So what's the solution? I know I'm nearly 40 and single but I refuse, and I mean refuse to become the 'cat lady'. Not the least cause I hate em. I mean I joked about going as Crazy Cat Lady to Halloween last year, but I was kidding. Seriously.

Recommendations please?

Bec xx